


Four Things That Never Happened in Edo

by Mina Lightstar (ukefied)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-13
Updated: 2008-10-13
Packaged: 2017-10-09 16:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukefied/pseuds/Mina%20Lightstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four Things That Never Happened in Edo, and Even if They Did, No One Would Admit to Them, Because if They Did Happen, All Parties Involved Would Have to Have Been Really Drunk, and Half of Them Can't Even Afford to Drink That Much, So it's Probably Safe to Say That None of These Things Ever Happened, Even if There Are Pictures, So There.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Things That Never Happened in Edo

I; _in which we start off slow, mostly because Shimura Tae does not need to exert much effort to get her point across_

 

The general meeting area of the Shinsengumi is alive and rowdy with squads of hapless go-luckies exchanging tales of exaggerated dates. Hijikata Toshirou is about to take drastic measure to silence it with a bazooka when a cheaper and equally-effective method stumbles into the room.

Toshirou's jaw drops, and he nearly loses his grip on the expensive bazooka. Fortunately, he is far too nonchalant and uncaring to lose his cigarette during this dramatic display of surprise.

The entire room quietens. Toshirou can hear the men _breathe_. Toshirou himself can't bring himself to speak, can't tear his eyes away from the giant black-and-blue chicken that has joined them.

It's Sougo who shatters the shock and states the obvious. "Commander, someone has thoroughly kicked your ass. Or alternatively, you tripped on a rock and subsequently rolled down a very rocky slope, after which you were somehow propelled into a barrel of tar, and then fell into a chicken coop."

"Thank you, Sougo," Commander Kondo replies, though his voice sounds funny because his face is all swollen.

Captain Okita feigns a swoon. "Oh, Commander! I can't bear to see you like this! Hold still while I put you out of your misery!"

Toshirou prepares to intervene -- which is good, because he ends up deflecting the deadly blow meant for _him_.

"Sougo," he half-sighs, half-growls, holding the younger captain in a headlock, "what are you doing?"

"Putting you out of the commander's misery, Hijikata-san."

"No need, Sougo, Toshi," Kondo assures them. He brings his hands to his heart and actually tears up. Some feathers come loose and flutter to the ground when he hops from one two to the other. "I think Otae-san is finally starting to warm up to me!"

"Ha?" Toshirou gapes, once again marveling the entire room with his ability to keep cigarettes in his mouth no matter the circumstances.

"Gorilla?" Sougo asks, worming out of Toshirou's hold.

Kondo spins around and points to himself. "Look! Look at the _precision_, the _attention_ she paid here! She spent _so much time_ on me!"

"Bloody hell, Kondo," Toshirou spits, "she beat you up and dressed you like a _chicken_."

"I _know!_" their Commander sing-songs, sighing happily.

The Shinsengumi remains stunned into silence. Toshirou whispers to Sougo, "Oh dear god it's finally happened. She's hit his head too hard."

Okita says, "Given Kondo-san's incapability to lead us, I will--MMPH!"

"--Shut the hell up and stay put," Toshirou orders. "Yamazaki, take the Commander to his room and get him out of that ridiculous get-up. As for the rest of you...."

Toshirou goes on to give each squad their orders, doing his best to ignore the disgusting, slimy thing violating his palm.

 

II; _in which the Yorozuya meet their match, Zenzo reunites with his rival, and Elizabeth and Zura win Best Couple_

 

_"We interrupt this italicized narration to bring you a special report."_

"Argh!" Kagura roars, indignant. "They always interrupt _Ladies Four_ with some crap about people being murdered or a pandemic sweeping the nation! When will they realize that we don't care?!"

"ARE YOU HEARTLESS?!" Shinpachi shrieks, stamping the mop for emphasis.

_"This truly is a great day for Edo! We now go live to our beloved announcer, Ketsuno-san. Are you there, Ketsuno-ana? Ketsuno-ana?"_

"OBVIOUSLY, I am NOT heartless!" Kagura retorts. "Can't you see how much I love _Ladies Four_?!"

_"Yes, Ketsuno here. I'm reporting live from what has been dubbed Edo's 'convention center' --"_

"FAVORING A TELEVISION DRAMA OVER PEOPLE'S LIVE IS HEARTLESS!"

_"-- where everyone's favorite magazine, Shounen Jump, will be holding a special convention all weekend!"_

"WELL, YOU CAN JUST AIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"

"Shh, quiet!" Gintoki snaps at their felled forms. "Can't you see this is an important report?!"

Shinpachi struggles to get up. "Get your butt off my face!" he orders Kagura.

"Get your face off my butt!" she retorts.

_"The doors will open at eight o'clock sharp! Get here early and enjoy the day! There will be long-lost issues of Jump on sale, as well as Jump paraphernalia! First come, first serve!"_

Gintoki's voice, stricken with awe. "Jump... festival. A Jump festival, right next to my house."

"OH GOD, DID YOU JUST FART?!"

***

"I don't really understand," Shinpachi admits. "We're barely out of debt this month, and he wants to go to a Shounen Jump convention?"

Kagura answers around a mouthful of rice. "Shin-chan, didn't you swear to do whatever's necessary to attend all of Otsuu's concerts and buy all of her CDs?"

Shinpachi thinks about that for a moment. "Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. I just didn't think Gin-san to be the same type."  
"We all become territorial idiots over _something_," Kagura replies candidly.

"What's yours?" Shinpachi asks slyly.

"Nothin' wrong with _me_," she snorts around a bowl of rice.

***

Early Saturday morning, Sakata Gintoki is a good citizen and waits in line like every other Jump fan in Edo.

"We should just push through," Kagura insists. "Everyone else is," she adds as the three of them are rocked forward by another shove from the crowd. The line isn't moving fast enough for those who arrived late.

"Patience," Gintoki murmurs. "Let them do the work for us. Soon they'll push us all the way to the doors."

Shinpachi grumbles, "Your laziness, I can't believe it."

A megaphone carries a familiar deadpan voice down through the crowd. "No pushing, no pushing. There's enough room for everyone. If you can push, that must mean you think you're really strong -- and that must mean you can withstand a bazooka. Do you want me to show you my bazooka? Anyway, no pushing, move in single-file, please. What are you so engrossed in over there? Porn? Is it porn? Pathetic Jumpers, porn is not permitted inside the convention. I repeat: You cannot bring porn into the convention. You can bring it _out_, but not in.

"Oh, Hijikata-san, hello. I was just telling everyone how there isn't enough space in the building and only the next fifty people will be admitted."

"WHAT?!" Gintoki roars, and before Kagura realizes what's going on, their silver-haired leader is beating his way through the crowd, one of hundreds clamoring for the doors.

"Ah, the feisty spirit of youth," she observes sagely.

"This is crazy!" Shinpachi shrieks. He glances around the at the chaotic mob. "They're crazy!"

"Let them be, Shin-chan. They're enjoying the springtime of their youth!"

"Have you been reading Jump?!"

Eventually, the entire mob does manage to get inside, and Shinpachi and Kagura are left alone in a myriad of debris including tattered streamers, empty cola bottles, and candy wrappers. Victorious whooping can be heard from within the building.

"I guess we should find Gin-san," Shinpachi suggests.

"Un."

They decide to set an example and _walk_ into the convention center. It's when they're almost at the doors that they realize they are not the only ones still outside.

"Ugh," Kagura spits. "I knew it was that guy."

He's still using the megaphone. "Hijikata-san, you look so trampled. Here, let me fix your spine for you."

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU SADIST."

***

The crowds, the tables, the crowds, the merchandise, the _crowds_, the food, and _the crowds_.

Sakata Gintoki has been waiting for this moment his entire life. All his strife -- managing his natural perm, searching for strawberry milk, fighting with the Joi faction -- was to be here, at this very moment, in the very heart of Shounen Jump's glory.

"Everything I've done up until was for this," he says to himself.

"Everything _I've_ done so far has been for this," someone next to him says. "And I've done more."

"You haven't," Gintoki retorts without bothering to glance at his new rival. "When I raised my sword against the invading amanto, I was raising my zanbakuto against the Hollows of the world."

"Is that all? Pathetic! When I passed my initiation as a master ninja, I had finally succeeded in passing my jounin exam. One day, I will be known as one of my own sannin."

"You call yourself a jounin?" Now he does take a peek from the corner of his eye. "You don't even have a sharingan. Now, go play somewhere else before I activate my Innocence."

Hattori Zenzo smirks at him. "You wouldn't even know how to activate your Innocence. Besides, it wouldn't do any good against my Kokuryuuha."

Gintoki barks an unimpressed laugh. "As if you'd be able to even control the dragon! I could beat you using only fifty percent of my power."

Other convention-goers are giving them strange looks.

"I wouldn't need more than thirty to finish you off!"

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi calls, joining them. He sounds out of breath. "We've been looking all over for you."

"Gin-chan!" Kagura appears on his other side, bouncy as ever. "This is all so cool! We should have dressed up!"

"Well," Gintoki turns back to Zenzo, "I'm going to the Upcoming tables. You practice hard at your Rasengan. Maybe one day you'll have a chance at beating me."

Hattori Zenzo backs away slowly, giving them all a menacing look. "You're just lucky I would never dream of spilling blood on the sacred grounds of the Shounen Jump convention." and then he is gone, vanishing into the crowd of Jump readers.

"I should have known we would meet him here," Shinapachi mutters.

"A sad soul," Gintoki agrees, contemplating the crowd into which Zenzo disappeared with a hand stroking his chin. "Spending his entire day at a convention for a child's manga. How pathetic can you get?"

"AS PATHETIC AS YOU!" Shinpachi snaps.

"Aah," Kagura muses, mimicking Gintoki's pose, "the follies of youth."

"IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?"

***

"I had no idea there were so many losers wasting their money on that stupid manga in Edo--"

"Uh, we're back on."

"Oh sh--hi! Ketsuno here. I'm so excited I can hardly stay still to report! The people! The food! The _costumes_! It's all so incredible! If you're a Jump reader and you aren't here, you should probably burn in hell!

"I've managed to snatch up two of the more enthusiastic members of this community. The pair of them are taking this event seriously! As seriously as serious fans can take an event! Tell me, what are your names?"

"I'm Space Captain Katsura."

"Fascinating! And what are you cosplaying as?"

"A Space Captain."

"... Riveting! And this is...?"

"Elizabeth."

"And what manga is... she... from?"

"None yet. But she's going to be starring in her own soon."

"Congratulations! Thank you for your time, Captain."

"It's not 'captain.' It's Space Captain Katsura!"

***

The tables of amateur artists line the walls of the center's west side. Shinpachi takes a good long look at all the hopeful, prospective Jump authors. "Wow, all these guys are waiting for their big chance to write the one story that makes it into Jump...."

"It's definitely the pinnacle all manga artists wish to reach," Gintoki affirms, strolling down an aisle of amateurs.

"Gin-chan," Kagura asks, tugging his sleeve, "how much do manga artists make? Why does everyone want to be one?"

"They are paid in chocolate and women," Gintoki explains to her. "All they have to do is draw a winning story and they get endless supplies."

"Really?!" Kagura cries, eyes sparkling. "_I_ want chocolate and women!"

"Men," Shinpachi corrects.

"Shin-chan, you're so stupid. Why would I take just one thing when I can have two?"

He sighs.

"Hey." Gintoki stops abruptly, and Kagura and Shinpachi run into his back.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Gin-chan?"

Gintoki points at the man behind the table directly to their left. "What are you drawing?"

"Eh?" the man looks up, pushes his spectacles further up his nose. "My manga, of course."

"I saw you drawing a sword," Gintoki continues, coming closer and scrutinizing the pages strewn about. "What's it about?"

The mangaka beams at them; his teeth are yellow and his breath smells like dark chocolate. "I'm so glad you asked, because it's going to be the next best-seller!

"It's set in Edo, and centered around a former samurai who is now unemployed. He has a sidekick, and each chapter follows their adventures as they get into one hapless situation after another!

"Officially, everything they do is to pay their stingy, evil landlord who owns the building their cramped basement apartment is in, but eventually they get caught up in bigger and more elaborate plots and have to be heroes!

"Pretty cool, huh?"

Gintoki glances at Kagura. Kagura makes a face at Shinpachi. Shinpachi has been gaping since the sight of the mangaka's yellow teeth.

Finally, Gintoki says, "That's the dumbest idea for a manga I've ever heard."

"Yeah!" Kagura agrees, pumping her fist into the air. "God, who would read crap like that? I'm gonna' barf!"

The mangaka's face falls. "You don't think it's good?"

"Who would think that was good?!" Gintoki demands. "You're a disgrace to Jump and all it stands for! Don't you know the anthology you're trying to get into?! Jump is about power, and courage, and teamwork, and role models kids can look up to, and incredible fighting moves!"

"You mean _impossible_ fighting moves," Shinpachi mutters.

The mangaka gives Gintoki the Jump Guru an imploring look. "Can you... will you give me some pointers?"

Gintoki folds his arms. "Ha! Without me, you'd be begging for coins in the street."

"Like us!" Kagura adds with a stamp of her foot.

"Shut _up, you._ Now, the first thing your hero needs is a mind-blowing super attack. It's called 'bankai,' and it will transform his weapon into something _even more powerful_."

"And you have to put a girl in the story!" Kagura steps in. "If you have all these boys wandering around together, nothing would ever happen!"

"The girl should be a pop idol," Shinpachi puts in, figuring he might as well get his share out there. "The boys will look up to the hero, but who will the girls look up to? Kagura? I hope not."

_"Hey!"_

The mangaka looks uncertain. "W-well--"

"It's gotta have ninjas," Hattori Zenzo puts in, appearing out of nowhere, as ninjas are wont to do. "Any story is improved by the inclusion of ninjas."

Gintoki shoves him aside. "I thought I told you--"

"Be sure to include a space captain," a familiar voice speaks up.

Shinpachi jumps. "Ka-Katsura-san? What are _you_ doing here?"

"That's _Captain Katsura_ to you."

_Arrr!_ reads Elizabeth's sign.

"A-ah, but that's not what my manga's about!"

"You should include the Shinsegumi!" an excited voice offers, and suddenly Yamazaki and his badminton racket bounce up to join the creative cluster. He mimes a serve, narrowly missing the table with the follow-through. "That would add to the mystery and suspense!"

"No, it wouldn't!" Gintoki barks, pointing an accusing finger. "Who the hell would want to read a manga about the Shinsengumi? And who the hell would want to _draw it_? And why the hell do you have an afro?!"

Yamazaki tries to cover his hair. "Um--"

"The Shinsengumi and the hero's riff-raff should have a duel," Okita Sougo suggests, joining his co-worker. He's carrying the yellow megaphone he was using earlier. Now that they're closer, Shinpachi can see the characters written around the cone: "Future Vice-Commander."

"A duel?" the all but forgotten mangaka asks.

"To the death," Okita confirms. "And the new Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi should get to kill the annoying girl."

"You stupid-head!" Kagura roars, breaking through Gintoki and Shinpachi to confront her rival. "You think I don't know you're talking about me?!"

"But I'm not," Okita ripostes with a smirk. "I said, annoying _girl_."

"YOU'RE DEAD!"

Through the megaphone: "Your attention, please, everyone. Please remain calm. A freak of nature had to be subdued--"

_"DEEAAAD!"_

Shinpachi appears to be the only one who sees the impending doom. "Someone stop them!" he shouts, but his cries fall on the deaf ears of the others, who are still trying to negotiate a part in some guy's lame manga.

But then Kagura lands the first punch, and it doesn't matter anymore; the convention center has just been condemned.

Katsura notices the carnage when Okita throws Kagura onto a table and she breaks it clean in half, sending commissioned drawings flying away. "Come on, Elizabeth!" he urges, grabbing her hand.

She drops her _"Goodbye, friends!"_ sign in her haste to keep up with him.

The convention center is still loud and crowded, but for different reasons now. As Okita and Kagura's fight rapidly becomes more violent and begins to involve more furniture, artists and fans alike are racing to get away.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi shouts. "Do something!"

"You know what else you need?" Gintoki is saying to the mangaka. "A talking animal that serves either as a guide or comic relief."

"GIN-SAN!"

"SOUGO, _what the bloody hell are you doing, you son of a bitch?!_" This reaches their ears in a tone that is a strange combination of horrified, furious, and strangled. Shinpachi figures this is what it sounds like when Vice-Commander Hijikata Toshirou has a conniption.

When the chain-smoking Vice-Commander does reach them, the first thing he does is seize Gintoki by the collar and shake him. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Gintoki looks bored. "Hey now, be fair. Yours started it. Mine was just defending herself."

"I didn't even want to come!" Shinpachi shrills. "They made me! I hate Shounen Jump! I never want to be in it! I had nothing to do with this! O-tsu-u! O-tsu-u!"

His outburst shocks both of them for a moment; it's all he needs to escape the epicenter of the disaster.

He doesn't look back, and he doesn't stop running until he's safe with Aniue.

***

 

"Holy--! It looks like one of that fat-ass prince's dumb animals got to this place!"

"Camera's rolling."

"Oh _goddamn it_ \-- Hi! Ketsuno here. What a disaster! A petty brawl broke out in the artists's alley of the convention, the little slice of heaven where up-and-coming mangaka sit and wait to share their dreams with anyone who will listen. It's unclear who is responsible for the carnage; witnesses claim the Shinsengumi are involved, but they are unavailable for comment.

"I have been speaking with one man who was present at Ground Zero during the explosion. What he tells me is frightening! Whoever these brawlers are, they aren't human!

"Sir, any more comments?"

"I just want to point out that if it had been a story about ninjas, this never would have happened."

 

III; _in which the darker side of the Edo Kabuki district is brought to light, the Shinsengumi prove to be altogether unskilled, and Otose shows everyone a good time_

 

"No," Hijikata Toshirou says firmly. "Absolutely not."

"All right," Kondo declares as though Toshirou hasn't spoken, "that settles it, then. You're dismissed."

It's not even ten o'clock and Toshirou can feel his left eye twitching. It's going to be one of those days. "Oi, I don't think you heard me," he says, and once all eyes in the room are on him, he takes the opportunity to light up and enhance his image. "I said, absolutely not."

Kondo hesitates, looking baffled. "Toshi, I know this is kind of -- well, but it has to be you."

Okita pipes up, "Don't worry, Hijikata-san, it's not the gay bar you usually go to; no one will recognize you."

Toshirou glares hotly at the first division's captain.

"Vice-Commander!" Yamazaki shouts. "Allow me the honor to take your place, sir! I may not be as strong, or as nonchalant, but if you really don't want to do this--"

Toshirou is ready and willing to switch places, seeing as how Yamazaki is the resident spy anyhow, but Kondo snuffs out that dream. "Impossible, Yamazaki, do you think you'll get anywhere unnoticed with that afro?"

"Awwww," the spy sighs, and backs away into the crowd.

"This operation," Kondo continues, "is beyond dangerous. Honestly, if I could manage it, I wouldn't send any of my men out there. But we're the Shinsengumi, and it has to be done. So we're going to do it!"

Toshirou takes a drag. "I don't see how this is going to be a difficult mission. They're all going to be hallucinating and horribly laid-back; this isn't dangerous at all. It will be like taking candy from a baby."

"Oo 'ed it," Sougo affirms from around a lollipop.

"Where did you get that?"

Kondo goes on, "Sougo, Toshi is going to have to really look like part of the crowd, so you're going to disguise yourself as his girlfriend."

"WHAT?"

"The part I was born to play, Kondo-san."

"WHAT?"

"I knew I could count on you, Sougo. Now, Yamazaki and his afro will help you change."

"_WHAT?_"

Kondo raises an eyebrow at him. "Toshi, you don't think all these cool kids don't have dates? If you want to blend in...."

"Leave me with him and I'll be blended into the ground," Toshirou mutters.

Sougo appears at his shoulder. "You should be more respectful if you want to get me in bed before morning."

"WHO WANTS TO BED _YOU_?!"

The captain smirks. "Hmph. For the next few hours, _you_ do." He offers the half-eaten lollipop. "Want a lick?"

The punch is quickly and perfectly executed. Sougo only dodges it because he was expecting it.

***

The Kabuki district is noisy and lively once night falls. Otose's Snack House is among the nightlife. The occasional liveliness never bothered Gintoki. Once upon a time, it bothered Kagura, but her complaints subsided a couple of weeks after she moved in. Now she says the rowdiness helps her fall asleep. (Either that, or the heavy meals she eats before bedtime.)

Not that Otose particularly cares what her tenants think. Those who can't be bothered to pay the rent certainly can't expect to be allowed any demands. _Freelancers, ha! More like free_loaders_, hmph._

"Otose-san," Catherine calls, appearing at her shoulder. "That group by the door want to make use of the _back room_."

Otose takes a deep drag from her cigarette. "Do they now?"

Catherine nods, glancing back at the patrons that just walked in. "They said they would pay the double the usual fee."

Otose shrugs. "Get the money up front."

It happens, sometimes, that some customers want something in between the rowdiness of the red-light district and the utmost privacy of their own bedchambers. Otose doesn't really care; after all, it's good for business.

Catherine gives a curt nod, and returns to the door. From the corner of her eye, Otose scrutinizes the little group. Four in all, but something about them... doesn't quite add up.

And Otose knows all about things that don't quite add up -- like dango, and _rent._

"Catherine," she says when her amoral employee returns, "in half an hour, we are going to check on them."

"Yes, Otose-san."

***

There are so many things wrong with Okita Sougo wearing a woman's kimono and make-up, Toshirou doesn't know where to begin. So he cheerfully pretends that Okita is still in his Shinsengumi, and promptly fails, because that yellow-and-red monstrosity is still hanging on to his arm.

"I shaved my legs," Sougo whispers into his ear, "in case you would like to stick your hand up there."

"I _don't_, and you _didn't_." _Please, please let him not have done it._ "Focus on the mission, you dolt. And fix your breasts."

Sougo adjusts his costume subtly, leaning on Hijikata all the while. Aside from the red wig and slightly more expensive kimono than he normally would have worn, Toshirou's costume was no extravagant. Neither was Sougo's, really, but his make-up had been applied by Yamazaki, and so in Toshirou's opinion, they stuck out like a sore thumb.

"Say, Toshizou-kun," Sougo murmurs, using the stupid name he decided on for Toshirou, "don't you think there are a lot of people at the Otose Snack House?"

Honestly, to the naked eye it looks like there are people all over the Kabuki district at this hour of the night. But now that Toshirou pays attention to the Snack House in particular, he notices that it seems to be attracting quite a crowd.

"Let's go," he says to his comrade, and guides them through the throngs of people.

"Toshizou-kun," Sougo giggles, "you're so _rough_ and _manly_."

"I'm going to kill you after this."

***

Otose has been positive for about five minutes, but only once a good portion of her clientele appear to be lost in some kind of pleasant haze does she decide it's time to act.

"Catherine," she says, tone firm.

"Right."

Side-by-side, the two women march to the back room, from whence so many lost souls have wandered with goofy smiles on their faces. As they get closer, they can _see_ the last tendils of smoke that escape when the door is opened, and _smell_ what is going on. They barge in without knocking.

The small circle of smokers immediately look up, surprised at the appearance of the proprietress. Catherine closes the door behind them, and for a moment, everyone is still. The seasoned smokers are calm, but still alert. Otose has her hands on her hips and a stern look on her face.

"You dare to smoke opium in my establishment?" she sneers at them.

"It's illegal," Catherine adds, and she would know all about things like _illegal_.

"Ah..." the ringleader stammers, looking down at his pipe. "Er...." At a loss, he offers it. "Hmm?"

"We'll buy more food," the girl in the circle promises.

Otose glares hard at them.

"The house should take a cut," Catherine advises.

***

"Two more just came back," Sougo whispers. He downs the remainder of his sake. "I'm going to check out that back room."

"Be careful," Toshirou warns him, less out of concern for his well-being and more for the concern of anyone he crossed swords with.

"I'll be right back," the captain in drag promises, and slides down from his chair and vanishes into the crowd.

Almost immediately, a real woman hops onto Sougo's vacant seat. She's young and eager and there is too much make-up caked on her eyes. "Your girlfriend is pretty!" she coos into his face. "Are you guys serious?"

"No," Toshirou replies. "Actually, after we leave here, I'm going to dump her--"

"Really?!"

"--body in the river."

He's suddenly alone.

***

When Sougo follows the trail of smoke-laden eyes to the mysterious and evidently coveted back room of the Otose Snack House, he doesn't bother to knock before barging in.

"What...?" he trails off, a little confused because he's pretty sure that Otose is part of the circle.

"Hey, pretty lady," the man holding the pipe greets him.

Otose snorts, and snatches the pipe. "You idiots. Can't you tell a man in drag when you see one?"

"Oh," Catherine drawls, eyes focusing on the essence of the universe. "You're one of _those_."

"Hmm," Sougo says.

***

Twenty minutes later, with no Sougo-in-drag to be found, Toshirou decides something has gone horribly wrong. So he abandons his stool and heads to the back room, intent on either rescuing his "date," or rescuing the drug dealers _from_ his date.

He smells the opium as he nears the door, and his face twists into a snarl. _Blatant disregard for the integrity of the Shinsengumi, right in front of me!_ And what the hell was Sougo _doing?_

He kicks the door down and gives his patented cry, "It's the Shinsengumi!"

No one appears concerned. In fact, the room is full of laid-back, lounging patrons, most of whom are staring up at the lovely cloud above them, and _oh, that's_ what Sougo is doing.  
"That's nice," one of them says.

Toshirou ignores that one. "Sougo, _what are you doing?_"

It's obvious what Okita is doing: Lounging and partaking in the very drugs they are trying to bring down.

"I _told_ you all he was in drag," an old woman says, and Toshirou believes he recognizes her as Otose, the owner of the Snack House. To his horror, she rips open her kimono. "Ya' gotta have _these_ to be a woman!"

Sougo, his fake breasts in complete disarray, waves her off. "You've apparently been a lazy woman for a very long time."

"You bloody failure of transvestite--"

"THIS IS THE SHINSENGUMI!" Toshirou repeats, trying to wash the images before him away. "SHINSENGUMI! You're all under arrest! And you! Do up your kimono, right now!"

***

Sakata Gintoki is woken up by a very painful nose-fingering. He jerks into a sitting position, still half-asleep, and rubs his nose. "Hey, freeloading rice-eater, what the hell was that for? You shoved my boogers to the back of my head."

"Your head is made of boogers," Kagura mutters. "Move over, and let me sleep with you. Otose-san is having a _really_ loud party, right under my bed."

Gintoki complies. "Fine, but if I wake up with my foot in your mouth, I'm considering that your breakfast and won't feed you."

***

In the wee hours of the morning, the Otose Snack House is buzzing with activity. A squad of Shinsengumi have taken several drug dealers into custody, the casual party-goers of the Kabuki district have been sent home, and Toshirou has been suffering Kondo's interrogation of some key players.

"Ah, I went to see what the commotion was about," Otose admits, taking a drag of her cigarette. "I don't smoke opium, you see, so when Catherine and I entered the room, we easily succumbed."

"It's true," Catherine reiterates. "They tricked us easily. The smoke was too much."

"Too much," Sougo agrees, holding his head. "It had me before I realized what was going on."

"Oh, fuck him," Toshirou mutters, dropping his tenth cigarette butt in the last half hour and crushing it.

"There, there, Sougo," Kondo comforts, putting a strong arm around the young captain. "We'll get you home and in a hot bath, and you'll be good as new. Right, Toshi?"

"I hate you," Toshi says, "and this date sucked."

 

***

IV; _in which the producers lacked imagination, and in lieu of offering insight or character development, chose to demonstrate the sole reason for the ninjas's existence in the manga_

"You should know, Zenzo, that I've never liked you." Sarutobi Ayame -- or Sa-chan, as she likes to call herself -- turns her nose up at the other ninja, folds her arms, and tosses her head. Despite herself, she cracks one eye open and looks at her opponent, who is facing off against her from the opposite rooftop.

It appears as though he is... holding his bottom.

"That is to say," Sa-chan continues, now lowering her head and bringing her hands together, "I _used_ to despise you. But now... now, I realize!" She spins around, desperate. "Zenzo! I won't let you go! I won't let you do it!"

"I'm going, damn it!" he shouts back at her, seemingly distracted. "You can't stop me!"

"I _have to!_" She drops into a familiar fighting stance. "Zenzo... I didn't have a family--"

"What?"

"--and I never knew what it was like to belong."

"What the hell are you talking about? I am _going_ to the _doctor_ now."

Sa-chan leaps, attacks. Quick as lightning, they are at a stalemate: Kunai crossed and eyes locked. "But when I'm with you," she continues, "it feels like I have a brother."

"Your _brother's ass hurts!_" Zenzo spits, and in the next instant, he is gone.

Sa-chan looks across the rooftops, but there is no sign of him. "I failed him," she realizes. "He's going to some shady doctor with lofty promises. Chances are he'll wake up in the alley with a missing kidney!"

The night sky has no verbal response for her, but it stares down at her, judgemental in its darkness.

"I know," she promises the sky. "I'll find him, and win him back from that evil medicine!

"And one day... I'll be Hokage!"

end+


End file.
